Posh Walks Out On NBC: THE REAL TRUTH!

"It was my get out of jail free card, m'kay!?"


Sources at NBC, the network behind Posh's £10 million reality TV series she walked out on earlier today, say that all Vicki is doing is trying to save face in the midst of a pending PR disaster.


NBC executives are allegedly "very nervous" about the pending show, citing recent media coverage that is less than complimentary towards the ex-Spice Girl. They are worried the American public just won't like her. Additionally, all of her 'sleb friends are refusing to appear on camera with her, making each episode a bit, er... "dull".


Anticipating the reality projecting being dumped and shelved, Posh is using hen-pecked hubby, David Beckham's return match for England this week as an excuse to walk. A simple case of jumping before being pushed, we think.


By making out Venereal is doing it all for her man and family, she not only comes up smelling of roses but she avoids the public embarrassment of her carefully planned career launch stateside falling down around her.


We bet Jordan's laughing her sizable tits off at this. In contrast, she and pop-flop hubby, Peter Andre are doing rather well in the US.

Lo' Ho' "Learning To Be OK"

"I'm finding peace deep within me and my firecrotch"


'Friends' of skank-bag loser, Lindsay Lohan have reported to Celeb TV that the Lo' Ho's first week in rehab has been good.

"She's learning to be OK with herself", said one hanger on.

"And she's at peace with her surroundings," they concluded.

Rehab can be a great tonic to any addict in total meltdown, but it's putting what you learn into practice when you leave Linds.

We at The Trash Heap... wonder if Lo' Ho' will be able to go through with the radicalisation that rehab demands of addicts once back in the outside
world.

Linds will be expected to change all of her 'friends' and turn her back on the lifestyle she once knew.

"Peace out and all that shit!"

"There are no half measures with rehab recovery. It has to be a complete turnaround," says one mental health worker to The Trash Heap...

We can't help but wonder if this complete turnaround means Lo' Ho' has to cut out her kur-ray-zee Mom, Deena Lohan too? Rumours and scandal are rife in Hollywood that Linds' mother has done nothing to help her daughter with her addictions. If anything, gossip suggests Deena's all but fuelled them, being a wild party freak herself.

Pussy Photo Op. For Paris

"I just wanna look hot, m'kay!"

Heiress socialite, Paris Hilton is all geared up for her stint in jail next Monday.

Sources report that Paris is gunning to maximise the PR for her stay in prison, where she will keep a journal she intends to pimp out for over $1 million (£500, 000+).

The Trash Heap... reported earlier in the week that Paris was starting a Jail PR campaign, but we hadn't quite anticipated the extent to which the "It Gal" would go.

Insiders report that not only has Paris decided to try and pull off a Naomi Campbell by ensuring her stylists get her A+ photo ready for her prison arrival, but she intends to use a kitten to pull on heart strings.

A source reports, "Paris is considering a staged photo op. next Monday to garner sympathy from the public."

Allegedly, one idea is for her to be seen handing over a cute Kitten to sister Nicky for custody, all the while Paris intends to show tears at the heartache the separation is causing her. She wants to ensure maximum effect.

"Attention seeker? Moi!?"

Hmm, cynical much?

Posh Quits LA!

"Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!"

White-trash done good, Victoria Beckham has sent shock waves through the production of her latest reality TV series by quitting for a return to Blighty.

Victoria, real name Venereal Buttox told producers that she would not miss hen-pecked hubby, David Beckham's triumphant return soccer match for England later this week.

VB got into a wrangle with producers of her multi-million pound reality show when they insisted she stay in LA this week to complete filming. This would mean missing David's first England match since he dramatically resigned as Captain and was then ditched from the squad.

The decision is set to cost the Queen WAG in excess of £10 million ($20 million).

A source says, "It's a real sacrifice for her as the TV series was a great launch-pad for her career over there. But there is absolutely no way she'd have sacrificed being there to spur him on... just to do a TV show - regardless of how much it would help her profile in the US."

"She told producers she was not going to miss David's England
"Outta my way! Queen B comin' thro!"


game and they seemed unwilling to compromise".

A spokeswoman for the self-loving pop flop added, "Victoria has had great fun filming the show. However, the schedule was incredibly tight and it is up to the network what happens next."

Well, maybe we at The Trash Heap... got her all wrong. Here we were thinking she is a completely self absorbed bi'atch, but it seems she's willing to put her under the thumb, and more successful husband first on occasion.

You stand by your man, girl!

Posh Serves Nosh

"Doctor says I need my iron."



Seems that our favorite Euro-trash, Venereal Buttox and hen-pecked hubby, David Beckham are in talks with foul mouthed 'sleb chef, Gordon Ramsey over opening up a restaurant together. Yeh, we know! We'll come to the irony about VB and food later...


Gordy says about the venture, " We've been friends for a while and have spoken about it. There's always been something in the pipeline."

Sources report that Brand Beckham are thinking of choosing LA as their place of choice for the eatery. However, it strikes us there are several problems that pose Ms. Thang, Gordy, oh, and yeh her tag along hen-pecked husband.

• Venereal aint' a good ad. for a place to eat. You could play xylophone on her rib cage, and do you people know how difficult it is to find a pic of her actually eating something!?!
  
  
• Gordy's NYC restaurant was panned by snooty critics and to date it ain't doin' so well. What makes him think it'll be any better in LA?
  

• There isn't a "3" as such, but we just wanted to draw your attention to this sexeth photo of Dave. Homoerotic-cum-tastic or what!? OK, it's an old pic, but it never gets old if you see what we mean?
  

Reports further suggest that The Plastic Lamp Post herself has demanded Ramsey ensure 75% of the menu is vegetarian. While we're sure PETA are just scrambling to sign her up for one of their nude campaigns (*wretch*), Gordy won't take kindly to non-meat eaters. A vegetarian is every professional chef's worst nightmare. They just don't "get it".

I don't know about you, but I'd love to see Brand Beckham join forces with Ramsey, open up this restaurant and then we can all sit back and watch it die on its arse as the critics (and public) turn their nose up to it in droves. I'd also love to see pics of Venereal actually eating something from her own restaurant. It'd be an international scandal!

"I'll gut you like a malnourished fish, witch!"

Shirley's Best Wishes For Lo' Ho'

"Get better soon bitch, or else!"

Veteran actress, Shirley MacLaine has just issued a joint statement with producer, Rob Hickman regarding the Lo' Ho's stint in rehab.

Linds was due to start filming the movie, "Poor Things" this week, also starring MacLaine.

Due to her admittance to the Promises Rehabilitation Centre in Malibu, California on Tuesday a shadow had been cast over whether or not La Lohan could partake in the filming.

"I'm tellin' yo bi'atch. If you don't get better I'll whoop yo' ass!"




After reading the statement by MacLaine and Hickman, all seems well and set for Lo' Ho' to commence work on the project, albeit after her 30 day rehab detention.

The statement reads, "In the spirit of helping Lindsay Lohan and her rehabilitation, we have been asked by Lindsay to comply with her wishes to continue working on "Poor Things." We are trying to rearrange the shooting schedule to facilitate her working at the end of the shoot to coincide with the completion of her rehabilitation. We wish her love and the blending of mind, body and spirit."

Ah, bless. Can you feel the love?

"Must sleep. So tired... Hey, got coke!?!"

Fuck Off, Jerry Hall!

"I'm so desperate. Look, here's my tit!"

Fame hungry ex-supermodel, Janice Dickinson has lashed out at former catwalk rival, Jerry Hall.

In what appears to be a re-fuelling of an old fight she had with Hall back in the 70's (when she was like, 39 or something), Dickinson said, "Jerry hated me, but she can fuck off and die."

Quite.

The America's Next Top Model judge continued, "No one scares me. I tossed Mick out after eight months because I didn't want to move to London. It was my choice, not a matter of him choosing Jerry over me."

Well, no one may scary you Jan, darling, but you scare us! After watching you make a total arse out of yourself the other week on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross, and then hoikin' your skirt to flash everyone your scraggy, saggy pins (I vommed at the time), we sure hope you don't come back for a visit to Blighty anytime soon.




We love Jerry Hall. She isn't some classless old skank like you. You're everything we hate about America; arrogant, loud, brash, classless, common as muck and generally just really dumb.



Fuck off and die, Janice Dickinson!









"I'm a beautiful person."

Paris' Jail PR

"They have, like, room service... Right?"

Never one to miss a PR opportunity in the making, heiress and full time 'sleb circuit "It Gal", Paris Hilton is said to have hand picked her cell mate for her pending jail term.

Officials at the prison where Paris will do hard labour have been issued with a series of protocols and legal documents to sign be her "people".

Details include "when and how" things should be done for Paris. Additionally, a full scale search of the jail is already underway to seek out any hidden cameras or electronic devices that may be used to exploit Paris' prison stay. It seems no one is exploiting her stay more than Paris herself.

Legal documents have been issued to all prison staff dictating that anyone who takes a photo of Paris in her prison get up will be fired.

The final cherry on the cake comes with an insistence that Paris be buddied up with a cell mate who is also doing time
"I'm gonna give all you jail ho's a manicure!"

for wreckless driving. Her people are keen for Paris to be seen as learning some valuable life lessons from someone in a similar predicament, but without the billion dollar heiress fortune or privileged up bringing.

You gotta hand it to Paris. Girl knows how to turn shit into gold.

Old Hag Slags Online Bloggers

"I've peaked and now life's just an never ending downward spiral."

Queen WAG and washed up pop-flop, Victoria Beckham has come out fighting against the celebrity bloggers.

VB (Venerial Buttoxs), recently expressed, "I think these people are pretty spineless, the way they hide behind pseudonames."

Er, it's "pseudonyms" you stupid bitch!

She continues, "They don't really know what's going on in anybody's lives. They're just sad people sat behind their computers."

While we can't disagree with the "sad people" bit, the rest is just stale jizz spewing from her overly collagened lips.

"Don't come too close with that flashlight. My face may melt!"

Vicky, luv, word of advice, print media is dieing. Without online celebrity bloggers you wouldn't have the fame and notoriety you so desperately cling to. If we don't talk about you, who will?

Oh, and while we're on the subject what the fuck is going on with that hair colour and those shoulder pads!? Eeeew!

Mind you, we're hardly surprised. We wrongly assumed it may take a while to get a bad pic of you, but hey, whaddaya know? We were wrong!

First Pic Of Lo' Ho' In Rehab

"I make a promise to myself to always behave, be as good as an elf"

The Trash Heap... can exclusively bring you this first picture of Lindsay Lohan entering the Promises Rehab Centre in Malibu, California.

Lo' Ho' supposedly checked herself in following her drugs bust car crash, and subsequent arrest earlier on Saturday.

She is to complete a 30 day programme of rehabilitation. This will mean the scheduled filming of her latest movie, Poor Things co-starring Hollywood acting veteran Shirley McLaine will have to be juggled around to accommodate her. Filming is still said to be going ahead on time, it will just be those scenes that do not require Lo' Ho' on set.

Personally, while I do genuinely hope (despite earlier crass comments) Linds is genuinely going to be successful at rehab I am very sceptical of her motivations. I have doubts as to whether she's doing it for her health or if she's doing it to show willing for the judge. If I were Lo' Ho' facing drug, under age drinking and driving while intoxicated charges I'd sure as hell be doing all I could to sweeten up the court.

Official: Lo' Ho' Hits Rehab!

"I just can't help myself! Hmmmm, yummy!"

In the last few minutes a representative for Hollywood Skank-basket and part-time actress/pop singer, Lindsay Lohan has issued our friends at TMZ with the following statement....

"Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility."

About fucking time, if you ask us! The Lo' Ho' has been spiralling out of control for months now, second only to Britney's train wreck of a life.

We do wish Linds all the best etc...etc.... *wank* *wank*, but we have a feeling here at The Trash Heap... that this story has many more legs in it yet. After all, there's the obligatory successful completion of rehab only to relapse etc... We await further carnage to fulfill our sad, pathetic loser lives.

"Hey kids, got coke?"

Britney: "Everyday is so surreal."

"Is This Gucci?"

Everyone's favorite white trash train wreck (bar Lo' Ho') has just posted a new message on her website to fans.

Sounds like Britters is starting to wise up to the ways of the world a little bit. While I do have my sympathies for her, I can't help but hope she continues a little bit longer to be an utter mess. Sick, I know, but hey - it's great entertainment!

Read the letter below:

Dear Fans,

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.It's so funny how
"Mommy is so proud of me!"


many stories are put out there about people. It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth.

I don't know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.

This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if

"Real tears, people! REAL tears! Love me!"

anyone is a family person...it is me. When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time. I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own.

A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough. I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter...to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a "bitch."I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me. I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America.

I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or
"Watch out! You're gonna hit Lindsay!"

figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.Love, Britney

Quote of the month..."It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. You're not being true to yourself if you succumb to others opinions because you feel guilty."

Yeh, deep Britters. Very deep.


















"I love my life. I'm so naive."

Lo' Ho' To Serve Time

"If I Show You My Fun Bags, Will You Buy Me (a) Coke?"

Celebratard, uninsurable actress, washed up pop flop, all round skank. These are just some of the words used to describe the woman fast becoming everyone's favorite train wreck after Britney.

Yes, Lindsay Lohan, or Lo' Ho' as we at The Trash Heap.. affectionately know her by, may be facing time in the Big House thanks to her recent drugs bust.

Police recovered a "usable amount" of cocaine from her car after she had an accident in Beverly Hills on Saturday.

Police tracked Linds to a local hospital following her crash, where she was receiving treatment for minor chest injuries. She was arrested.

"An illegal amount of narcotic tentatively identified as cocaine was recovered and booked, " said Police Lt. Mitch McCann.
"No one can top *my* fun bags!"

Should Lohan be found guilty of possessing cocaine she may face up to 12 months in prison, speculators say.

Lohan's recent spate of wild behavior in and around Hollywood have led many industry insiders to feel her acting career is all but over. Drunk driving, drug usage, anti-social behavior are making film studios nervous about insuring her. If she can't get insured on a film, she can't work.


Her recent flop, Georgia Rule, co-starring acting veteran Jane Fonda has been a massive flop state-side. This does not help her employability and acting stock one bit.

Personally, I love a good train wreck, sick fuck that I am. Let her have it is what I say. OK, she may only be on the cusp of 21 but bi'atch needs to learn some life lessons.

"Do I make you horny, baby?"

Rufus Wainwright Loves...er, Rufus Wainwright

"I Touch Myself, I Want You To Love Me"

Singer/songwriter and piano maestro extraordinaire, Rufus Wainwright ain't the bashful type. Oh no sirree. In an interview published in today's Independent, the prolific performer expressed an ego big enough to put the likes of Madge, JLo and any other A-League Diva to shame.

"The thing is...is that I like to tell the truth - in ev-er-y-thing", drawls the New York based songster. "And the truth of the matter is, I really am extremely good at what I do."

Wow! If he's referring to not yet having broken the mainstream and garnered a hit, he's spot on. "What? Should I be falsely modest and pretend that, actually, I'm not that great? No, no. For me that would never work. I am great and that's all there is to it."

Nice.

Having seen Mr. Wainwright in concert a couple of times I can confirm that he really is an exceptional musician. That said, note to Rufus: no one likes a big head my friend. Drop the 'tude. You may endear yourself more to potential record buyers, and lord knows you need the sales!