Posh Walks Out On NBC: THE REAL TRUTH!

"It was my get out of jail free card, m'kay!?"


Sources at NBC, the network behind Posh's £10 million reality TV series she walked out on earlier today, say that all Vicki is doing is trying to save face in the midst of a pending PR disaster.


NBC executives are allegedly "very nervous" about the pending show, citing recent media coverage that is less than complimentary towards the ex-Spice Girl. They are worried the American public just won't like her. Additionally, all of her 'sleb friends are refusing to appear on camera with her, making each episode a bit, er... "dull".


Anticipating the reality projecting being dumped and shelved, Posh is using hen-pecked hubby, David Beckham's return match for England this week as an excuse to walk. A simple case of jumping before being pushed, we think.


By making out Venereal is doing it all for her man and family, she not only comes up smelling of roses but she avoids the public embarrassment of her carefully planned career launch stateside falling down around her.


We bet Jordan's laughing her sizable tits off at this. In contrast, she and pop-flop hubby, Peter Andre are doing rather well in the US.

Lo' Ho' "Learning To Be OK"

"I'm finding peace deep within me and my firecrotch"


'Friends' of skank-bag loser, Lindsay Lohan have reported to Celeb TV that the Lo' Ho's first week in rehab has been good.

"She's learning to be OK with herself", said one hanger on.

"And she's at peace with her surroundings," they concluded.

Rehab can be a great tonic to any addict in total meltdown, but it's putting what you learn into practice when you leave Linds.

We at The Trash Heap... wonder if Lo' Ho' will be able to go through with the radicalisation that rehab demands of addicts once back in the outside
world.

Linds will be expected to change all of her 'friends' and turn her back on the lifestyle she once knew.

"Peace out and all that shit!"

"There are no half measures with rehab recovery. It has to be a complete turnaround," says one mental health worker to The Trash Heap...

We can't help but wonder if this complete turnaround means Lo' Ho' has to cut out her kur-ray-zee Mom, Deena Lohan too? Rumours and scandal are rife in Hollywood that Linds' mother has done nothing to help her daughter with her addictions. If anything, gossip suggests Deena's all but fuelled them, being a wild party freak herself.

Pussy Photo Op. For Paris

"I just wanna look hot, m'kay!"

Heiress socialite, Paris Hilton is all geared up for her stint in jail next Monday.

Sources report that Paris is gunning to maximise the PR for her stay in prison, where she will keep a journal she intends to pimp out for over $1 million (£500, 000+).

The Trash Heap... reported earlier in the week that Paris was starting a Jail PR campaign, but we hadn't quite anticipated the extent to which the "It Gal" would go.

Insiders report that not only has Paris decided to try and pull off a Naomi Campbell by ensuring her stylists get her A+ photo ready for her prison arrival, but she intends to use a kitten to pull on heart strings.

A source reports, "Paris is considering a staged photo op. next Monday to garner sympathy from the public."

Allegedly, one idea is for her to be seen handing over a cute Kitten to sister Nicky for custody, all the while Paris intends to show tears at the heartache the separation is causing her. She wants to ensure maximum effect.

"Attention seeker? Moi!?"

Hmm, cynical much?

Winehouse Quits Music?!?

"Screw you guys, I'm goin' home too!"


Mega talented soul singer, Amy Winehouse today revealed she has plans to quit the music biz.....for motherhood!!!

The alcohol and drug loving singer said, "I don't want to be ungrateful. I know I'm talented, but I wasn't put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mom and look after my family."

Was she fucked off her face at the time? Amy, love you were put here to sing the blues! You are the blues! How can you even consider quitting? Can't you do both music and motherhood!?
"I wanna have your babies."

Amy continues, "I'm a caretaker and I want to enjoy myself and spend time with my husband... Blake and I didn't get to spend any time together for a long time."

We fear the influence of luuuurve is smiting her blues mentality and maybe clogging her creative juices. Amy wed long term partner, Blake Fielder-Civil in a Miami ceremony earlier this month.

If this news wasn't bad enough, Amy goes on to undersell her talent even further by saying, "I've done a couple of albums I'm really proud of and that's about it".

*Gasp!*

Well, we at The Trash Heap... are flabbergasted. It seems everyone's quitting something this week. If it ain't LA, it's music and if it ain't music it's drugs and alcohol. If things carry on like this there will be nothing to write about! *sniff!*

Posh Quits LA!

"Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!"

White-trash done good, Victoria Beckham has sent shock waves through the production of her latest reality TV series by quitting for a return to Blighty.

Victoria, real name Venereal Buttox told producers that she would not miss hen-pecked hubby, David Beckham's triumphant return soccer match for England later this week.

VB got into a wrangle with producers of her multi-million pound reality show when they insisted she stay in LA this week to complete filming. This would mean missing David's first England match since he dramatically resigned as Captain and was then ditched from the squad.

The decision is set to cost the Queen WAG in excess of £10 million ($20 million).

A source says, "It's a real sacrifice for her as the TV series was a great launch-pad for her career over there. But there is absolutely no way she'd have sacrificed being there to spur him on... just to do a TV show - regardless of how much it would help her profile in the US."

"She told producers she was not going to miss David's England
"Outta my way! Queen B comin' thro!"


game and they seemed unwilling to compromise".

A spokeswoman for the self-loving pop flop added, "Victoria has had great fun filming the show. However, the schedule was incredibly tight and it is up to the network what happens next."

Well, maybe we at The Trash Heap... got her all wrong. Here we were thinking she is a completely self absorbed bi'atch, but it seems she's willing to put her under the thumb, and more successful husband first on occasion.

You stand by your man, girl!

Shirley's Best Wishes For Lo' Ho'

"Get better soon bitch, or else!"

Veteran actress, Shirley MacLaine has just issued a joint statement with producer, Rob Hickman regarding the Lo' Ho's stint in rehab.

Linds was due to start filming the movie, "Poor Things" this week, also starring MacLaine.

Due to her admittance to the Promises Rehabilitation Centre in Malibu, California on Tuesday a shadow had been cast over whether or not La Lohan could partake in the filming.

"I'm tellin' yo bi'atch. If you don't get better I'll whoop yo' ass!"




After reading the statement by MacLaine and Hickman, all seems well and set for Lo' Ho' to commence work on the project, albeit after her 30 day rehab detention.

The statement reads, "In the spirit of helping Lindsay Lohan and her rehabilitation, we have been asked by Lindsay to comply with her wishes to continue working on "Poor Things." We are trying to rearrange the shooting schedule to facilitate her working at the end of the shoot to coincide with the completion of her rehabilitation. We wish her love and the blending of mind, body and spirit."

Ah, bless. Can you feel the love?

"Must sleep. So tired... Hey, got coke!?!"

Fuck Off, Jerry Hall!

"I'm so desperate. Look, here's my tit!"

Fame hungry ex-supermodel, Janice Dickinson has lashed out at former catwalk rival, Jerry Hall.

In what appears to be a re-fuelling of an old fight she had with Hall back in the 70's (when she was like, 39 or something), Dickinson said, "Jerry hated me, but she can fuck off and die."

Quite.

The America's Next Top Model judge continued, "No one scares me. I tossed Mick out after eight months because I didn't want to move to London. It was my choice, not a matter of him choosing Jerry over me."

Well, no one may scary you Jan, darling, but you scare us! After watching you make a total arse out of yourself the other week on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross, and then hoikin' your skirt to flash everyone your scraggy, saggy pins (I vommed at the time), we sure hope you don't come back for a visit to Blighty anytime soon.




We love Jerry Hall. She isn't some classless old skank like you. You're everything we hate about America; arrogant, loud, brash, classless, common as muck and generally just really dumb.



Fuck off and die, Janice Dickinson!









"I'm a beautiful person."

Britters: The Embodiment Of Etiquette

"Hee-hee. I'm gonna blow chunks any minute now guys! Wanna watch?"


Oh good Lord! Just when we thought our favorite train wreck was back on track, turns out she's derailed AGAIN!

Reports have just been published of the disturbed miming singer chundering violently in an LA Hotel toilet this past weekend.

Despite what appeared to be a message of healing posted on her website this week, it seems Britters is back to her pre-rehab ways. She was found by a cleaner, slumped over the toilet of exclusive LA spot, Sky Bar with sick all over her bottle blonde wig extensions.

The cleaner reports, "She looked a real mess and was sitting on the floor with her head over the (toilet) bowl throwing up. There was vomit down the front of her black dress, all in her hair and around her mouth."

Hotel staff carried the intoxicated tragedy outside (what, to dump her in the gutter!?), where she was
"Wow! Check out my sexeth bingo wings!"

heard mumbling, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me at the moment." You ain't kidding there, hey Brit!

Britters was begging her body guard to take her home as she lay in the gutter. An eyewitness reports, "She had make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off."

Oh Britney! And to think, we were contemplating on publishing an article that announced you as the "Saint of the Brat Pack". We had a chart run down planned and everything. *tsk* Go to the back of the class!

Paris' Jail PR

"They have, like, room service... Right?"

Never one to miss a PR opportunity in the making, heiress and full time 'sleb circuit "It Gal", Paris Hilton is said to have hand picked her cell mate for her pending jail term.

Officials at the prison where Paris will do hard labour have been issued with a series of protocols and legal documents to sign be her "people".

Details include "when and how" things should be done for Paris. Additionally, a full scale search of the jail is already underway to seek out any hidden cameras or electronic devices that may be used to exploit Paris' prison stay. It seems no one is exploiting her stay more than Paris herself.

Legal documents have been issued to all prison staff dictating that anyone who takes a photo of Paris in her prison get up will be fired.

The final cherry on the cake comes with an insistence that Paris be buddied up with a cell mate who is also doing time
"I'm gonna give all you jail ho's a manicure!"

for wreckless driving. Her people are keen for Paris to be seen as learning some valuable life lessons from someone in a similar predicament, but without the billion dollar heiress fortune or privileged up bringing.

You gotta hand it to Paris. Girl knows how to turn shit into gold.

Ex-Blue Singer Wants To Make Music With Johansson

"Hey, Scar, let's make some mocha babies!"

Wow, all the washed up singers are crawling outta the wood work tonight! Ex Blue singer, and solo flop, Simon Webbe wants to team up with Scarlet Johansson for a duet.

Simon says, "She's got a great image and voice. I think we'd blend very well."

Yeh, right. We suspect the only blending you wanna do there Si is with your peen and Scar's Lady Tardis. One thing we will say is that you two would have the most beautiful children!

Aaaaw.

Kelly To Torture Music Lovers (again!)

"Shut up, you douche bags!"

Oh shit! We're trembling in our boots. Crack open the ear plugs people, Kelly Osbourne is making yet another, er, ... "musical" comeback!

"I have more song ideas, and it won't be long", threatens 'ar Kel.

Frankly honey, you barely make the grade presenting Project Catwalk (UK). Don't believe me? Check out the website link here. The show producers haven't even replaced Liz Hurley's image with your own. That's how "good" you are , luv.

Give it up, Kel. Retire. You have the money. Just go quietly. Pleeeeeeaaaase!

Nicole Won't Visit Sick Mother!

"Look, I just don't like Hospitals, m'kay!?"

Reports are coming in that celebratard skank-bag, Nicole Richie is refusing to visit her sick Mother in Hospital.

Richie's adoptive Mother, Brenda was taken into Hospital to undergo a hysterectomy. A source reports, "Brenda was in the hospital. She had a hysterectomy and Nicole hasn't visited her since. The two have not been getting along lately."

It seems the rift between Mother and Daughter may be due to The Simple Life star's recent personal problems. Nic-hole has allegedly been seeing
"She's a maniac, Maaaaniac, on the floor!"

a therapist to help combat what seems to be her ever growing anorexia problem.

Some nutrition experts are citing recent pics of Nic out on the town, that she shows signs of stomach bloat; a common indication of malnutrition.

My personal theory is that Bren ain't sick at all. The hysterectomy is a complete red herring. She's gone into hospital and told people she's having the op, but it's all a ploy to get Nic-hole to visit. This way the Hospital can section her and treat her eatting disorder.

Seems like Nic ain't so dumb after all. Run skinny! Run!

Mischa Barton's Sister: Drug Runner?

"I got me the munchies! Ooo, a Hershey Bar! *guzzle*"

The Trash Heap... can exclusively reveal this video still of washed up O.C. "actress", Mischa Barton on what we can only determine as a munchie break (??)

Barton and a "friend" were filmed sitting outside an apartment block in a not-so-choice area of LA for up to half an hour. During that time, Barton's sister, Hania came out of the run down apartment building, got in Big Sis' car and they all drove off to a service station to pig out and fulfill their spiralling appetites.


"Don't look back. Drive Hania! Go, go, go!"
Hmmm, paranoid much?

Barton was admitted to hospital earlier this week following a supposed "allergic reaction" she had to alcohol and her anti-biotics at a par-tay hosted by fellow Superficial Friend, Nicole Richie. It is widely speculated that the allergic reaction Meeeee-sha! suffered was more along the lines of drug and alcohol abuse.

Sources at the Richie party report Barton was seen taking illicit substances and drinking heavily.

My, my, my! It's certainly the week for train wreckage-arama in 'sleb land. Britney's dropped her basket (again) and gone all "reflective" on us man, Lo' Ho' has had a meltdown and run to rehab, and now Meeee-sha! is hangin' out in a shitty part of LA looking decidedly shady.

First Pic Of Lo' Ho' In Rehab

"I make a promise to myself to always behave, be as good as an elf"

The Trash Heap... can exclusively bring you this first picture of Lindsay Lohan entering the Promises Rehab Centre in Malibu, California.

Lo' Ho' supposedly checked herself in following her drugs bust car crash, and subsequent arrest earlier on Saturday.

She is to complete a 30 day programme of rehabilitation. This will mean the scheduled filming of her latest movie, Poor Things co-starring Hollywood acting veteran Shirley McLaine will have to be juggled around to accommodate her. Filming is still said to be going ahead on time, it will just be those scenes that do not require Lo' Ho' on set.

Personally, while I do genuinely hope (despite earlier crass comments) Linds is genuinely going to be successful at rehab I am very sceptical of her motivations. I have doubts as to whether she's doing it for her health or if she's doing it to show willing for the judge. If I were Lo' Ho' facing drug, under age drinking and driving while intoxicated charges I'd sure as hell be doing all I could to sweeten up the court.

Beth Ditto's Unlikely Pair(ing)

"I fucking love apples, I do."

Beth Ditto, lead singer of punk band Gossip has not only revealed her birthday suit to this week's NME, but also her love of model (and full time skank-bag) Kate Moss.

Ditto, who poses fully nude on the cover of the latest NME edition professes that Moss is, "amazing".

Beth said, "Kate is amazing. I spent one night talking to her and she just said the most amazing things about bodies. At first I didn't think I was going to like her, but she just turned up to one of our shows and said, 'Do you know what I hate, Beth? I hate it when people tell my big girlfriends, 'You have a beautiful face...' ....That's a really radical concept," concludes Ditto.

We at The Trash Heap.... *heart* Beth Ditto, but we can't help but feel she's selling herself a little short, and over egging the pudding as far as Moss is concerned. To me, Kate Moss making the kind of statement she did just smacks of a ploy to get the Gossip singer on side. After all, Kate is a veteran of the most shallow, fickle industry in the world; fashion. Surely she knows how to talk the talk when she wants someone on side?

After all, you'd never want to make an enemy of Beth Ditto.

Official: Lo' Ho' Hits Rehab!

"I just can't help myself! Hmmmm, yummy!"

In the last few minutes a representative for Hollywood Skank-basket and part-time actress/pop singer, Lindsay Lohan has issued our friends at TMZ with the following statement....

"Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility."

About fucking time, if you ask us! The Lo' Ho' has been spiralling out of control for months now, second only to Britney's train wreck of a life.

We do wish Linds all the best etc...etc.... *wank* *wank*, but we have a feeling here at The Trash Heap... that this story has many more legs in it yet. After all, there's the obligatory successful completion of rehab only to relapse etc... We await further carnage to fulfill our sad, pathetic loser lives.

"Hey kids, got coke?"

Surviving Cancer: So Boring!

"Will I ever have fun again?"

Who'd have thought that after her two year cancer battle, Kylie would celebrate her 39th Birthday on Monday by doing piss-flaps all!?

The Trash Heap... confident, Perez Hilton revealed that ar' Kylie chose to spend this milestone day at her home in rainy London, locked away from the outside world.

We at The Trash Heap... had notions that the perpetual Princess of Pop and part time spinster would have at least called up lesser fabulous, lesser rich and lesser internationally successful younger sis, Dannii for a girly botox par-tay. Alas, we were wrong!

Kylie, live a little luv. It may have been a grey day in Londinium, but with your wads of cash we thought you'd have at least been creative and jetted off to sunnier climbs.

After surviving breast cancer, we rather hoped Kylie would be showing a little more gusto for life.

Cheer up, luv.





"I'm alive. I'm bored."

Evening Worship At The Temple Of Tori

"I'm Not Crazy....I'm Fucking Bonkers!"



Everyone's favorite piano playing nerd kicked off her world tour this Monday. Tori Amos takes in 30 date tour with new material from her latest album, "American Doll Posse".



Once she completes the tour towards the end of July, she then embarks on a
"Nicola from Girls Aloud was keen for credibility"

series of Festivals. As of yet, there are no UK Festivals announced for which she is due to appear.



"American Doll Posse" is Amos' 9th studio album, and certainly her most commercially accessible since the 1998 release, "From The Choirgirl Hotel". The concept for the album sees Tori take on five distinctly individual personalities, each with her own name, beliefs and characteristics. As a unit they make up the whole person Amos is. They can also stand alone, apart from her.



She explains, "What I'm trying to tell other women is they have their own version of the compartmentalised feminine which may have been repressed in each one of them. For many years I have been an image; that isn’t necessarily who I am completely. I have made certain choices and that doesn’t mean that those choices are the whole story. I think these women are showing me that I have not explored honest extensions of the self who are now as real as the redhead."



"Now I live in Cornwall, I gorge on clotted cream!"

Tori's been known as a kooky kinda gal since she hit our consciousness back in 1992 with her second, and multi platinum selling album, "Little Earthquakes". Since then she's gone on to sell nearly 17 million albums worldwide and has an army of loyal, adoring fans, me being one of them.



Folk often write Tori off as a feminist loon, but all I can say to that is your Mother's must suck cocks in Hell and you have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about.



For more info on Tori and her tour, click here























"I'm mad, I am. It's true. I'm simply craaa-zeee!"

Britney: "Everyday is so surreal."

"Is This Gucci?"

Everyone's favorite white trash train wreck (bar Lo' Ho') has just posted a new message on her website to fans.

Sounds like Britters is starting to wise up to the ways of the world a little bit. While I do have my sympathies for her, I can't help but hope she continues a little bit longer to be an utter mess. Sick, I know, but hey - it's great entertainment!

Read the letter below:

Dear Fans,

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.It's so funny how
"Mommy is so proud of me!"


many stories are put out there about people. It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth.

I don't know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.

This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if

"Real tears, people! REAL tears! Love me!"

anyone is a family person...it is me. When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time. I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own.

A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough. I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter...to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a "bitch."I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me. I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America.

I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or
"Watch out! You're gonna hit Lindsay!"

figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.Love, Britney

Quote of the month..."It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. You're not being true to yourself if you succumb to others opinions because you feel guilty."

Yeh, deep Britters. Very deep.


















"I love my life. I'm so naive."

Lauren Hill Releases New Song (and it's brilliant!!!)

"I Lost Myself, Don't 'Cha Know!"



Ex-Fugees front woman and internationally successful solo artist, Lauren Hill has finally returned with a new song.


"Loose Myself" features on the soundtrack to new Columbia Pictures animation, "Surf's Up". The film is scheduled for release on the 8th June in the US.



Loza has shunned the lime light since her 18 million selling album, "The Miseducation of Lauren Hill". She became exceptionally introspective, choosing to no longer do interviews, watch TV and even abandoned listening to music. Instead, Hill began exploring other avenues of creativity, including writing poetry.


She recently announced a world tour for 2007, whereby she will visit 8 countries including the UK and, obviously the US.


Loza has a new album slated for release in early 2008. As of yet it is untitled, but rumours speculate it has the working title of "Call Me Ms. Hill". Further rumours suggest the album was pushed back by Columbia Records because they felt it wasn't commercial sounding.


Fans petitioned Columbia Records in 2006, demanding the new album be released. As a response to that, speculation suggests Hill has parted ways with Columbia Records and is looking to release the album via a new record label.


You go, Lauren! I've missed you so much these (almost) 10 years!


Check out the new single here, or click on the post title.