Lo' Ho' "Learning To Be OK"

"I'm finding peace deep within me and my firecrotch"


'Friends' of skank-bag loser, Lindsay Lohan have reported to Celeb TV that the Lo' Ho's first week in rehab has been good.

"She's learning to be OK with herself", said one hanger on.

"And she's at peace with her surroundings," they concluded.

Rehab can be a great tonic to any addict in total meltdown, but it's putting what you learn into practice when you leave Linds.

We at The Trash Heap... wonder if Lo' Ho' will be able to go through with the radicalisation that rehab demands of addicts once back in the outside
world.

Linds will be expected to change all of her 'friends' and turn her back on the lifestyle she once knew.

"Peace out and all that shit!"

"There are no half measures with rehab recovery. It has to be a complete turnaround," says one mental health worker to The Trash Heap...

We can't help but wonder if this complete turnaround means Lo' Ho' has to cut out her kur-ray-zee Mom, Deena Lohan too? Rumours and scandal are rife in Hollywood that Linds' mother has done nothing to help her daughter with her addictions. If anything, gossip suggests Deena's all but fuelled them, being a wild party freak herself.

Shirley's Best Wishes For Lo' Ho'

"Get better soon bitch, or else!"

Veteran actress, Shirley MacLaine has just issued a joint statement with producer, Rob Hickman regarding the Lo' Ho's stint in rehab.

Linds was due to start filming the movie, "Poor Things" this week, also starring MacLaine.

Due to her admittance to the Promises Rehabilitation Centre in Malibu, California on Tuesday a shadow had been cast over whether or not La Lohan could partake in the filming.

"I'm tellin' yo bi'atch. If you don't get better I'll whoop yo' ass!"




After reading the statement by MacLaine and Hickman, all seems well and set for Lo' Ho' to commence work on the project, albeit after her 30 day rehab detention.

The statement reads, "In the spirit of helping Lindsay Lohan and her rehabilitation, we have been asked by Lindsay to comply with her wishes to continue working on "Poor Things." We are trying to rearrange the shooting schedule to facilitate her working at the end of the shoot to coincide with the completion of her rehabilitation. We wish her love and the blending of mind, body and spirit."

Ah, bless. Can you feel the love?

"Must sleep. So tired... Hey, got coke!?!"

Britters: The Embodiment Of Etiquette

"Hee-hee. I'm gonna blow chunks any minute now guys! Wanna watch?"


Oh good Lord! Just when we thought our favorite train wreck was back on track, turns out she's derailed AGAIN!

Reports have just been published of the disturbed miming singer chundering violently in an LA Hotel toilet this past weekend.

Despite what appeared to be a message of healing posted on her website this week, it seems Britters is back to her pre-rehab ways. She was found by a cleaner, slumped over the toilet of exclusive LA spot, Sky Bar with sick all over her bottle blonde wig extensions.

The cleaner reports, "She looked a real mess and was sitting on the floor with her head over the (toilet) bowl throwing up. There was vomit down the front of her black dress, all in her hair and around her mouth."

Hotel staff carried the intoxicated tragedy outside (what, to dump her in the gutter!?), where she was
"Wow! Check out my sexeth bingo wings!"

heard mumbling, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me at the moment." You ain't kidding there, hey Brit!

Britters was begging her body guard to take her home as she lay in the gutter. An eyewitness reports, "She had make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off."

Oh Britney! And to think, we were contemplating on publishing an article that announced you as the "Saint of the Brat Pack". We had a chart run down planned and everything. *tsk* Go to the back of the class!

Paris' Jail PR

"They have, like, room service... Right?"

Never one to miss a PR opportunity in the making, heiress and full time 'sleb circuit "It Gal", Paris Hilton is said to have hand picked her cell mate for her pending jail term.

Officials at the prison where Paris will do hard labour have been issued with a series of protocols and legal documents to sign be her "people".

Details include "when and how" things should be done for Paris. Additionally, a full scale search of the jail is already underway to seek out any hidden cameras or electronic devices that may be used to exploit Paris' prison stay. It seems no one is exploiting her stay more than Paris herself.

Legal documents have been issued to all prison staff dictating that anyone who takes a photo of Paris in her prison get up will be fired.

The final cherry on the cake comes with an insistence that Paris be buddied up with a cell mate who is also doing time
"I'm gonna give all you jail ho's a manicure!"

for wreckless driving. Her people are keen for Paris to be seen as learning some valuable life lessons from someone in a similar predicament, but without the billion dollar heiress fortune or privileged up bringing.

You gotta hand it to Paris. Girl knows how to turn shit into gold.

Ozzy's Gender Confusion

"Where the fuck am I, maaaan?"

Bless Ozzy Osbourne. We always knew he was two sheets to the wind and then some..., but he's excelled himself recently.

Upon hearing of wife, Sharon's new co-host, Dannii Minogue on this years up and coming X-factor, Ozzy proclaimed, "Danny? I've never heard of him. Is he Kylie's Dad?"

Aaaaw, well no Ozzy he's not Kylie's Dad. He is in fact a she and is Kylie's lil' sis, spelt D-a-n-n-i-i!

We miss Ozzy and his fly on the wall family documentary series. I say bring it back!

(lft)"Dannii Minogue: She-male?"

Nicole Won't Visit Sick Mother!

"Look, I just don't like Hospitals, m'kay!?"

Reports are coming in that celebratard skank-bag, Nicole Richie is refusing to visit her sick Mother in Hospital.

Richie's adoptive Mother, Brenda was taken into Hospital to undergo a hysterectomy. A source reports, "Brenda was in the hospital. She had a hysterectomy and Nicole hasn't visited her since. The two have not been getting along lately."

It seems the rift between Mother and Daughter may be due to The Simple Life star's recent personal problems. Nic-hole has allegedly been seeing
"She's a maniac, Maaaaniac, on the floor!"

a therapist to help combat what seems to be her ever growing anorexia problem.

Some nutrition experts are citing recent pics of Nic out on the town, that she shows signs of stomach bloat; a common indication of malnutrition.

My personal theory is that Bren ain't sick at all. The hysterectomy is a complete red herring. She's gone into hospital and told people she's having the op, but it's all a ploy to get Nic-hole to visit. This way the Hospital can section her and treat her eatting disorder.

Seems like Nic ain't so dumb after all. Run skinny! Run!

Mischa Barton's Sister: Drug Runner?

"I got me the munchies! Ooo, a Hershey Bar! *guzzle*"

The Trash Heap... can exclusively reveal this video still of washed up O.C. "actress", Mischa Barton on what we can only determine as a munchie break (??)

Barton and a "friend" were filmed sitting outside an apartment block in a not-so-choice area of LA for up to half an hour. During that time, Barton's sister, Hania came out of the run down apartment building, got in Big Sis' car and they all drove off to a service station to pig out and fulfill their spiralling appetites.


"Don't look back. Drive Hania! Go, go, go!"
Hmmm, paranoid much?

Barton was admitted to hospital earlier this week following a supposed "allergic reaction" she had to alcohol and her anti-biotics at a par-tay hosted by fellow Superficial Friend, Nicole Richie. It is widely speculated that the allergic reaction Meeeee-sha! suffered was more along the lines of drug and alcohol abuse.

Sources at the Richie party report Barton was seen taking illicit substances and drinking heavily.

My, my, my! It's certainly the week for train wreckage-arama in 'sleb land. Britney's dropped her basket (again) and gone all "reflective" on us man, Lo' Ho' has had a meltdown and run to rehab, and now Meeee-sha! is hangin' out in a shitty part of LA looking decidedly shady.

First Pic Of Lo' Ho' In Rehab

"I make a promise to myself to always behave, be as good as an elf"

The Trash Heap... can exclusively bring you this first picture of Lindsay Lohan entering the Promises Rehab Centre in Malibu, California.

Lo' Ho' supposedly checked herself in following her drugs bust car crash, and subsequent arrest earlier on Saturday.

She is to complete a 30 day programme of rehabilitation. This will mean the scheduled filming of her latest movie, Poor Things co-starring Hollywood acting veteran Shirley McLaine will have to be juggled around to accommodate her. Filming is still said to be going ahead on time, it will just be those scenes that do not require Lo' Ho' on set.

Personally, while I do genuinely hope (despite earlier crass comments) Linds is genuinely going to be successful at rehab I am very sceptical of her motivations. I have doubts as to whether she's doing it for her health or if she's doing it to show willing for the judge. If I were Lo' Ho' facing drug, under age drinking and driving while intoxicated charges I'd sure as hell be doing all I could to sweeten up the court.

Official: Lo' Ho' Hits Rehab!

"I just can't help myself! Hmmmm, yummy!"

In the last few minutes a representative for Hollywood Skank-basket and part-time actress/pop singer, Lindsay Lohan has issued our friends at TMZ with the following statement....

"Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility."

About fucking time, if you ask us! The Lo' Ho' has been spiralling out of control for months now, second only to Britney's train wreck of a life.

We do wish Linds all the best etc...etc.... *wank* *wank*, but we have a feeling here at The Trash Heap... that this story has many more legs in it yet. After all, there's the obligatory successful completion of rehab only to relapse etc... We await further carnage to fulfill our sad, pathetic loser lives.

"Hey kids, got coke?"

Britney: "Everyday is so surreal."

"Is This Gucci?"

Everyone's favorite white trash train wreck (bar Lo' Ho') has just posted a new message on her website to fans.

Sounds like Britters is starting to wise up to the ways of the world a little bit. While I do have my sympathies for her, I can't help but hope she continues a little bit longer to be an utter mess. Sick, I know, but hey - it's great entertainment!

Read the letter below:

Dear Fans,

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.It's so funny how
"Mommy is so proud of me!"


many stories are put out there about people. It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth.

I don't know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.

This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if

"Real tears, people! REAL tears! Love me!"

anyone is a family person...it is me. When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time. I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own.

A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough. I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter...to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a "bitch."I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me. I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America.

I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or
"Watch out! You're gonna hit Lindsay!"

figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.Love, Britney

Quote of the month..."It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. You're not being true to yourself if you succumb to others opinions because you feel guilty."

Yeh, deep Britters. Very deep.


















"I love my life. I'm so naive."

Lo' Ho' To Serve Time

"If I Show You My Fun Bags, Will You Buy Me (a) Coke?"

Celebratard, uninsurable actress, washed up pop flop, all round skank. These are just some of the words used to describe the woman fast becoming everyone's favorite train wreck after Britney.

Yes, Lindsay Lohan, or Lo' Ho' as we at The Trash Heap.. affectionately know her by, may be facing time in the Big House thanks to her recent drugs bust.

Police recovered a "usable amount" of cocaine from her car after she had an accident in Beverly Hills on Saturday.

Police tracked Linds to a local hospital following her crash, where she was receiving treatment for minor chest injuries. She was arrested.

"An illegal amount of narcotic tentatively identified as cocaine was recovered and booked, " said Police Lt. Mitch McCann.
"No one can top *my* fun bags!"

Should Lohan be found guilty of possessing cocaine she may face up to 12 months in prison, speculators say.

Lohan's recent spate of wild behavior in and around Hollywood have led many industry insiders to feel her acting career is all but over. Drunk driving, drug usage, anti-social behavior are making film studios nervous about insuring her. If she can't get insured on a film, she can't work.


Her recent flop, Georgia Rule, co-starring acting veteran Jane Fonda has been a massive flop state-side. This does not help her employability and acting stock one bit.

Personally, I love a good train wreck, sick fuck that I am. Let her have it is what I say. OK, she may only be on the cusp of 21 but bi'atch needs to learn some life lessons.

"Do I make you horny, baby?"