Posh Walks Out On NBC: THE REAL TRUTH!

"It was my get out of jail free card, m'kay!?"


Sources at NBC, the network behind Posh's £10 million reality TV series she walked out on earlier today, say that all Vicki is doing is trying to save face in the midst of a pending PR disaster.


NBC executives are allegedly "very nervous" about the pending show, citing recent media coverage that is less than complimentary towards the ex-Spice Girl. They are worried the American public just won't like her. Additionally, all of her 'sleb friends are refusing to appear on camera with her, making each episode a bit, er... "dull".


Anticipating the reality projecting being dumped and shelved, Posh is using hen-pecked hubby, David Beckham's return match for England this week as an excuse to walk. A simple case of jumping before being pushed, we think.


By making out Venereal is doing it all for her man and family, she not only comes up smelling of roses but she avoids the public embarrassment of her carefully planned career launch stateside falling down around her.


We bet Jordan's laughing her sizable tits off at this. In contrast, she and pop-flop hubby, Peter Andre are doing rather well in the US.

Courtney Cox Quits Surgery!

"Screw you guys, I'm not goin' home because I already am home. But, I am not chopping myself up!" (hmm, soundbitey!)

Former Friends star, Courtney Cox Arquette has been told by loser hubby, David to quit any thoughts of plastic surgery.

Cox, 42 spawned a daughter, Coco (what, the clown?) in 2004. Since then she feels she's never managed to regain her pre-preggers figure.

"I have a permanent baby belly", says Cox. "I have issues with getting older too. I obsess over the changes. David has a huge problem with surgery, but I don't."

David's "issues" with the plastic

"I hate my body! *Whinge* *Moan* *Whinge*"

fantastic mean that he's allegedly banned her from even having a consult on the matter. Sources close to the couple report that the two are in total lock down over the issue. Courtney really wants a tummy tuck, but David has threatened it will have dyer consequences for their relationship if she does.

Ooooo! Get him.

Courtney is currently riding high in the US with her executive produced drama, Dirt in which she plays an editor of a gossip magazine. The show has just been recommissioned for a 2nd series after having been a ratings hit with American viewers. We sure hope Ch4 picks it up over here in the UK.

Fuck Off, Jerry Hall!

"I'm so desperate. Look, here's my tit!"

Fame hungry ex-supermodel, Janice Dickinson has lashed out at former catwalk rival, Jerry Hall.

In what appears to be a re-fuelling of an old fight she had with Hall back in the 70's (when she was like, 39 or something), Dickinson said, "Jerry hated me, but she can fuck off and die."

Quite.

The America's Next Top Model judge continued, "No one scares me. I tossed Mick out after eight months because I didn't want to move to London. It was my choice, not a matter of him choosing Jerry over me."

Well, no one may scary you Jan, darling, but you scare us! After watching you make a total arse out of yourself the other week on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross, and then hoikin' your skirt to flash everyone your scraggy, saggy pins (I vommed at the time), we sure hope you don't come back for a visit to Blighty anytime soon.




We love Jerry Hall. She isn't some classless old skank like you. You're everything we hate about America; arrogant, loud, brash, classless, common as muck and generally just really dumb.



Fuck off and die, Janice Dickinson!









"I'm a beautiful person."

Britters: The Embodiment Of Etiquette

"Hee-hee. I'm gonna blow chunks any minute now guys! Wanna watch?"


Oh good Lord! Just when we thought our favorite train wreck was back on track, turns out she's derailed AGAIN!

Reports have just been published of the disturbed miming singer chundering violently in an LA Hotel toilet this past weekend.

Despite what appeared to be a message of healing posted on her website this week, it seems Britters is back to her pre-rehab ways. She was found by a cleaner, slumped over the toilet of exclusive LA spot, Sky Bar with sick all over her bottle blonde wig extensions.

The cleaner reports, "She looked a real mess and was sitting on the floor with her head over the (toilet) bowl throwing up. There was vomit down the front of her black dress, all in her hair and around her mouth."

Hotel staff carried the intoxicated tragedy outside (what, to dump her in the gutter!?), where she was
"Wow! Check out my sexeth bingo wings!"

heard mumbling, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me at the moment." You ain't kidding there, hey Brit!

Britters was begging her body guard to take her home as she lay in the gutter. An eyewitness reports, "She had make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off."

Oh Britney! And to think, we were contemplating on publishing an article that announced you as the "Saint of the Brat Pack". We had a chart run down planned and everything. *tsk* Go to the back of the class!

Becks Is A Tight Wad!

"I'm all lubed up and ready to go!"



Football fitness, David Beckham has scoffed at claims he has spent a small fortune on his various hair styles over the years.



The multi-millionaire LA Galaxy soccer star is famed for his ever diversifying look, and has influenced almost every major male hairstyle in fashion over the last decade.

Hen-pecked Becks says, " "My friend does my haircuts. That's one thing that's been said over the years, that I've paid like five grand for a haircut. And I'm like: 'Seriously, my mate does it for free.'"


And don't we know it, Davey babes. Looking back over some of your, er..."styles" makes us realise that no professional hairdresser would ever put their name to them!















"Tragedy! When the feeling's gone and you can't go on!"

Ex-Blue Singer Wants To Make Music With Johansson

"Hey, Scar, let's make some mocha babies!"

Wow, all the washed up singers are crawling outta the wood work tonight! Ex Blue singer, and solo flop, Simon Webbe wants to team up with Scarlet Johansson for a duet.

Simon says, "She's got a great image and voice. I think we'd blend very well."

Yeh, right. We suspect the only blending you wanna do there Si is with your peen and Scar's Lady Tardis. One thing we will say is that you two would have the most beautiful children!

Aaaaw.

Old Hag Slags Online Bloggers

"I've peaked and now life's just an never ending downward spiral."

Queen WAG and washed up pop-flop, Victoria Beckham has come out fighting against the celebrity bloggers.

VB (Venerial Buttoxs), recently expressed, "I think these people are pretty spineless, the way they hide behind pseudonames."

Er, it's "pseudonyms" you stupid bitch!

She continues, "They don't really know what's going on in anybody's lives. They're just sad people sat behind their computers."

While we can't disagree with the "sad people" bit, the rest is just stale jizz spewing from her overly collagened lips.

"Don't come too close with that flashlight. My face may melt!"

Vicky, luv, word of advice, print media is dieing. Without online celebrity bloggers you wouldn't have the fame and notoriety you so desperately cling to. If we don't talk about you, who will?

Oh, and while we're on the subject what the fuck is going on with that hair colour and those shoulder pads!? Eeeew!

Mind you, we're hardly surprised. We wrongly assumed it may take a while to get a bad pic of you, but hey, whaddaya know? We were wrong!

Kelly To Torture Music Lovers (again!)

"Shut up, you douche bags!"

Oh shit! We're trembling in our boots. Crack open the ear plugs people, Kelly Osbourne is making yet another, er, ... "musical" comeback!

"I have more song ideas, and it won't be long", threatens 'ar Kel.

Frankly honey, you barely make the grade presenting Project Catwalk (UK). Don't believe me? Check out the website link here. The show producers haven't even replaced Liz Hurley's image with your own. That's how "good" you are , luv.

Give it up, Kel. Retire. You have the money. Just go quietly. Pleeeeeeaaaase!

David Schwimmer Needs The Work

"I'm a month's savings away from being homeless!"

Ex Friends star, and unemployed actor David Schwimmer is set to cast his job searching further afield by looking outside of the US.

La Schwim has recently become good friends with Little Britain star and writer, David Walliams. Apparently, the two have become so close that Walliams is offering Schwimmy work in the new series.

Seems like a good idea to us. He hasn't worked since last year's mega indie flop, "Big Nothing". Oh, what a BIG nothing it was! Seems like the only work going begging right now is a bit-voice part in naff sequel, "Madagascar 2".


Oh dear. Come to Blighty, Dave. We'll look after you!

"Behind this smile are tears of sadness!"

Mischa Barton's Sister: Drug Runner?

"I got me the munchies! Ooo, a Hershey Bar! *guzzle*"

The Trash Heap... can exclusively reveal this video still of washed up O.C. "actress", Mischa Barton on what we can only determine as a munchie break (??)

Barton and a "friend" were filmed sitting outside an apartment block in a not-so-choice area of LA for up to half an hour. During that time, Barton's sister, Hania came out of the run down apartment building, got in Big Sis' car and they all drove off to a service station to pig out and fulfill their spiralling appetites.


"Don't look back. Drive Hania! Go, go, go!"
Hmmm, paranoid much?

Barton was admitted to hospital earlier this week following a supposed "allergic reaction" she had to alcohol and her anti-biotics at a par-tay hosted by fellow Superficial Friend, Nicole Richie. It is widely speculated that the allergic reaction Meeeee-sha! suffered was more along the lines of drug and alcohol abuse.

Sources at the Richie party report Barton was seen taking illicit substances and drinking heavily.

My, my, my! It's certainly the week for train wreckage-arama in 'sleb land. Britney's dropped her basket (again) and gone all "reflective" on us man, Lo' Ho' has had a meltdown and run to rehab, and now Meeee-sha! is hangin' out in a shitty part of LA looking decidedly shady.

Britney: "Everyday is so surreal."

"Is This Gucci?"

Everyone's favorite white trash train wreck (bar Lo' Ho') has just posted a new message on her website to fans.

Sounds like Britters is starting to wise up to the ways of the world a little bit. While I do have my sympathies for her, I can't help but hope she continues a little bit longer to be an utter mess. Sick, I know, but hey - it's great entertainment!

Read the letter below:

Dear Fans,

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.It's so funny how
"Mommy is so proud of me!"


many stories are put out there about people. It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth.

I don't know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.

This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if

"Real tears, people! REAL tears! Love me!"

anyone is a family person...it is me. When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time. I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own.

A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough. I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter...to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a "bitch."I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me. I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America.

I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or
"Watch out! You're gonna hit Lindsay!"

figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.Love, Britney

Quote of the month..."It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. You're not being true to yourself if you succumb to others opinions because you feel guilty."

Yeh, deep Britters. Very deep.


















"I love my life. I'm so naive."